Reason #1

I have an idea for a new semi-regular post topic. Sort of like the old Top 8 lists, but this time I won't even attempt to post with any regularity.

I shall call it Reason #_____ Cascade College is Proud to Claim me as Their Valedictorian.

As you might guess, that's meant to be sarcastic.

I suppose I ought to post the first reason, so here we go. (If you've already heard this story, just pretend it's fresh and interesting.)

As you might know, I have a huge fear of public speaking. HUGE. Paralyzing, terrifying, rationality-eradicating. It is probably impossible to exaggerate the degree of my fear. This fact will be important later, so make a note.

During the last semester of my senior year, my English professor, who was also the Dean of Academics, congratulated me on my status as that year's Valedictorian. At first I was kind of flattered and proud, but then it hit me. I was going to have to give the Valedictory Address! I thought about running away to China and living as a monk, but I decided I couldn't live without cheese. (Plus, monks are usually male.) So I came up with a cunning plan.

I went to lovely Betty in the Registrar's office and asked her how bad my grades had to be that semester for me to still graduate, but not have to be the Valedictorian. After staring at me like my hair was on fire, she looked up a couple of files and told me it was mathematically impossible. I commenced freaking out. She somehow deciphered my crazed babbling and told me that if this whole thing was just about the Valedictory Address, I could simply ask someone else if they wanted to give the speech. I've never wanted to kiss a woman more than I did at that moment. I was pretty happy when my friend Anne agreed to give the speech, too. She did a great job, and I retained my health and my sanity (such as it was).

So, Reason #1 Cascade College is proud to have me as their Valedictorian: I tried to decimate my GPA in order to avoid becoming their Valedictorian.