One Feisty Blog

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Friday, May 26, 2006

Good Grief: Top 8 Celebrity Families Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Name Any More Children

By now you've all realized that a) I'm fascinated by names and b) I enjoy snarking on stupid celebrities. If only I could combine these two interests into one post...Oh wait! I can!

I think that some celebrities have children primarily for publicity purposes. This suspicion is confirmed every time another "star" blesses their spawn by naming him/her after a superhero or something you'd find in a lunch box. The worst of this breed is the type that establishes a "kre8tive" naming pattern for their entire brood.

May I present the Top 8 famous parents who should have their naming privileges revoked:

1.) Robert Rodriguez (director), father of five children named:

  • Rocket (boy)
  • Rebel (boy)
  • Rogue (boy)
  • Racer (boy)
  • Rhiannon (girl)

I don't mind the girl's name, but what is the next son going to be called? Rancid? Retch? Rude?

2.) Rob Van Winkle (you know him as Vanilla Ice), father of two girls named:

  • Keelee Breeze Van Winkle
  • Dusti Rain Van Winkle

The first one sounds like a wine cooler and the last one sounds like a porn star.

3.) Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, parents of three girls named:

  • Rumer
  • Scout Larue (La Rue means "street" in French)
  • Tallulah Belle

It's extra pretentious since they are named for a) an author they probably never read, b) the nickname of a character from To Kill a Mockingbird, and c) an old-timey actress they probably couldn't pick out of a line-up.

4.) Bob Geldof (singer/songwriter and Live Aid producer), father of three daughters and one step-daughter named:

  • Fifi Trixibelle
  • Peaches Honeyblossom
  • Pixie Frou-Frou
  • Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily

I have no words.

5.) Toni Braxton (R&B singer), mother to two boys named:

  • Denim
  • Diezel

Or maybe that was Corduroy and Propane.

6.) George Foreman (boxer and grill-shiller), father to five sons and five daughters named:

Boys

  • George Edward (1)
  • George Edward (2)
  • George Edward (3)
  • George Edward (4)
  • George Edward (5)

Girls

  • Georgetta
  • Freeda George
  • Michi
  • Natalie
  • Leola

I guess Natalie knows she's the only one they really loved.

7.) David (soccer star) and Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham, parents to three sons named:

  • Brooklyn
  • Romeo
  • Cruz

Everybody knows Brooklyn is a girl's name; Romeo has a lot to live up to--why didn't they just name him Pimp or Lothario; and Cruz means "cross"--that's nice and martyr-y. That's a hat trick, folks.

8.) Frank Zappa (pioneering singer/songwriter and granddaddy of bad celebrity baby names), father of children named:

  • Moon Unit (girl)
  • Dweezil (born Ian Donald Calvin Euclid because the hospital refused to put Dweezil on the birth certificate--Dweezil was Frank's pet name for his wife's little toe) (boy)
  • Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boy)
  • Diva Muffin (girl)

When the best name out of four is Diva Muffin, you know you have issues. He should have saved all the weird names for his albums, which couldn't be taunted on a playground.

And an honorable mention goes to the Phoenix family, who didn't qualify for the list because they weren't famous when the crazy names were being handed out.

Father: Born John Lee Bottom, changed his name to Bottom Phoenix
Mother: Born Arlyn Sharon Dunetz, changed her name to Heart Phoenix

Sons:

  • River
  • Joaquin Rafael (changed his own name to Leaf, then changed it back later)

Daughters

  • Rain (or "Rainbow Joan of Arc")
  • Liberty Butterfly (or "Libertad Mariposa")
  • Summer Joy

Yeah, I don't have to tell you they were members of a hippy cult, do I?

posted by Unknown at 9:35 AM

21 Comments:

  • Dusti Rain sounds like Mud to me.

    By Blogger dodyb, at 2:08 PM  

  • Indeed, it does. Porn-ilicious mud.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 2:21 PM  

  • I usually don't go around making fun of what people name their babies...(You see, I have a son named Jones and for some reason most people I talk to think that his name is in the same category as "Moon unit" or "George Edward number 16". They thin kit is bad enough that they will go as far as to question it..."Why did you name him that?" "Jones is his first name, are you joking?" The best one, three days after he was born "I think you still have time, you could change his name")...But in this instance I agree, some of these names must be ripped on.

    By Blogger Jess, at 5:08 PM  

  • A lot of people have made fun of my name (if you didn't notice, I'm very white and my name is Raj). My mom is Indian and my dad is white. It just turned out that I look a lot like my dad and not much like my mom(though they do say that I have her hair line). My twin sister and I do not look alike at all. You wouldn't even think we were siblings, let alone twins! Anyway, sometimes there are storeis behind stupid or strange sounding names that we just don't know about. Just thought I would chime in.

    By Blogger Raj Van Allen, at 5:12 PM  

  • Liberty and Justice Deal are sounding better and better, comparied to this list anyway.

    YAY!

    By Blogger Kara Deal, at 9:37 PM  

  • i don't remember the story... but someone else named tallulah belle. it went something like... "hey, bruce and demi, since you are about to go into labor, and you don't have a name picked out... how 'bout tallula belle?" and they were like, "uh, fine."

    i'm actually a fan of the wierd names. as long as you can pronounce it without a guide, i'm good.

    (i think i'm the only person on the planet outside of the martins who think apple is a great name)

    By Blogger rebecca marie, at 10:54 AM  

  • you would actually be surprised at how smart Bruce and Demi were together... I believe that Scout was infact named after TKAMB's Scout. This I have heard. Oh... I also read that Penn Gilette had a son. I don't remember his name, but you can search it. Its just as wonderful as the other one I can't remeber...

    By Blogger arwen, at 1:37 PM  

  • I like the name Apple too! I didn't understand why everyone made such a fuss over it... it's cute! There's lots of other fruit she could have picked that would have been aweful! Like pamogranet (sp?) or kamaquat (sp?). And isn't Apple suppose to be biblical and all? Like the apple of God's eye? Am I having a momant? Have I typed this before on your blog?

    I'm done.

    By Blogger Kara Deal, at 2:56 PM  

  • Yeah, with the last name "Frost," you have to be very careful about names. I can't marry anyone named: Spring, Summer, April . . . pretty much anyone named after a month or season . . . crystal . . . I also have to avoid those names for daughters and the names Jack or Robert for sons.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 8:13 PM  

  • Thanks for the comment. Idaho, huh? Yeah, the damned Man.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:31 PM  

  • 1.) Yes, Scout Wills is named for the character in To Kill a Mockingbird, but a) TKAM is, I believe, assigned reading in Jr. High, so it's not like naming a kid after a character in War and Peace or something; and b) "Scout" is a nickname in TKAM, her real name is Jean Louise. My theory is, if you're going to call a kid nickname, by all means--go for it, knock yourself out. But give them a real name for the birth certificate so they don't have to be Dr. Scout Willis or some other silly thing.

    2.) Penn Jillette's son's name is Zoltan Penn. Which could get a pass since it's a traditional Romanian name and I think the mother is of Romanian descent. But the reason Penn gives for chosing Zoltan is that it was the name of Dracula's dog. They named their first-born son after Dracula's dog!

    3.) Apple isn't the worst name ever, and the little girl is so cute that it sort of fits right now. BUT, what happens if she grows up a little plumper than her obnoxious, pretentious mother? Seriously, chubby kids get teased enough...but a kid named Apple that's shaped like an apple. That's just not a risk I'd choose to take. Or what if she's an alcoholic? With a mother like that, it's to be expected--and her name is one letter away from Apple Martini. It comes down to this: any chance I get to make fun of G-whiney Paltrow, I'm going to take it.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 9:51 AM  

  • I should probably make this clear: I actually like unusual names. I would rather see my friends name their kid Jones or Violet than, say, Madison or Caden (two of the trendiest names out there that will be dated to this decade AND will force the kid to go by the lovely First Name + Last Initial till they're out of school). Again, there's nothing wrong with Madison and Caden, per se, they're just too common.

    Plus, the whole unique name thing is different when you actually love and respect the parents. I can't imagine what goes through peoples' heads when they criticize a new parent on the name they've chosen for their kid. That's just thoughtless and rude. (Although I thoroughly expect to hear from my in-laws and my aunts no matter what I choose for my own theoretical kids.)

    Mostly, I just like to make fun of celebrities. Like I said, I think many of them choose odd names just to get a little free publicity. There are lots of reasons to choose an odd/unique name for your child. Getting mentioned on Entertainment Tonight shouldn't be one of them.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 10:03 AM  

  • ... why do you have to discount everything that I say. I feel the geographical distance between us is tearing us apart, Gina...

    By Blogger arwen, at 10:50 AM  

  • You could be right, Arwen. I think that means you need to come visit us again soon. We had strawberry crepes AND lemonade (but not at the same time, because YUK) this weekend. You shoulda been there.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 10:58 AM  

  • i'm with you on the common name thing, just not on the nickname thing. my sister got a GREAT name. janni laine. no, it's not short for janette or janet or janice. nor is it long for jan. it's just janni.

    then i come along and my parents name me rebecca with the intent to call me becky. why one nicknamie name and one proper? it's bugged me ever since.

    as far as trendy names... we solved that by naming our kids directly after people we love. that way, if they are popular, at least our kids have a reason for it.

    we have a trevin palmer (trevin is the middle name of a friend of the mister, palmer is the middle name of the misters dead brother) and a cameron ellie (cameron being wade edwards middle name and ellie being the shortened version of my dead mother in law ellenore). both names picked out way before we were even married, so 13ish years.

    done and done.

    By Blogger rebecca marie, at 1:50 PM  

  • Yeah, my parents named me Regina (because of the meaning) intending to call me Gina. And everyone assumes Ty is short for something, but it's not. It bugged me for a while, but now I'm glad I have options--I'm all about the options.

    See, you did a good job of finding nice names that aren't too common AND that have meaning for you. Besides, anyone named after Wade is bound to be cool. I might miss him most of all the old camp/school friends who have wandered out of my life. Him and Dan Utter. Please say hello to him for me if you think of it.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 2:10 PM  

  • i absolutely will... i miss him, too. it was like separating twins when he left for texas. he came back for a year or so at one point, but i fear he's there forever now. he's got two baby girls by the way... ashley claire and allison cameron... both names acronyms are ACE.

    By Blogger rebecca marie, at 4:51 PM  

  • Awwww! Cute names! And I love the ACE thing, that's, as you would say, the awesome.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 5:37 PM  

  • It was Meg Ryan that named little Tallulah (nice memory RM!)

    Here's a couple more for you:

    Penn Teller's daughter: Moxie CrimeFighter.

    Jason Lee's son: Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf-Lee.

    My son is Jackson Lane. My husband named him. He considered spelling Lane 'Layne' after Layne Staley of Alice in Chains. Good thing we didn't because of Layne's issues! But what's with the celebrity Jack craze? 10 years ago, we hardly heard it. Now there are Jackson's everywhere! At least OUR Jack is named after a family member!

    By Blogger JanniLaine, at 5:23 PM  

  • Fuk u! I know dusti n kee lee!!! I went to school with them!! Who do u think u r?? Bich!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:16 PM  

  • Fuk u! I know dusti n kee lee!!! I went to school with them!! Who do u think u r?? Bich!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:16 PM  

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