As Clear As Mud

Generally, I'm not a fan of the forwards (usually jokes or "cute" animal pictures) my coworkers send out. They're usually just not worth the time it takes to read them, even if they're not the insipid genre promising good luck for continuing the chain or bad luck for breaking it. But I can't stop giggling over this list.

They're billed as actual analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays and submitted by beleaguered English teachers. I find that hard to believe, since some of them are so bad that they're PERFECT. And others are so unintentionally funny that I suspect that they are actually intentionally funny. But whether they were penned by stupid students or brilliant humorists, they pretty much made my day. I want to write a story and find a way to include every last one of them. That would be perfection.

1.) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3.) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4.) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5.) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6.) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7.) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8.) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9.) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10.) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11.) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12.) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13.) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14.) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17.) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18.) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19.) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21.) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22.) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23.) The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24.) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25.) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Now, aren't those beautiful? Which is your favorite? Right now, I can't choose between #20 and #22, but in ten minutes, I'll probably vote differently.

If you want to be my best friend, use these gems for inspiration and write me a metaphor or analogy.