Good Grief: Top 8 Celebrity Families Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Name Any More Children

By now you've all realized that a) I'm fascinated by names and b) I enjoy snarking on stupid celebrities. If only I could combine these two interests into one post...Oh wait! I can!

I think that some celebrities have children primarily for publicity purposes. This suspicion is confirmed every time another "star" blesses their spawn by naming him/her after a superhero or something you'd find in a lunch box. The worst of this breed is the type that establishes a "kre8tive" naming pattern for their entire brood.

May I present the Top 8 famous parents who should have their naming privileges revoked:

1.) Robert Rodriguez (director), father of five children named:

• Rocket (boy)
• Rebel (boy)
• Rogue (boy)
• Racer (boy)
• Rhiannon (girl)

I don't mind the girl's name, but what is the next son going to be called? Rancid? Retch? Rude?

2.) Rob Van Winkle (you know him as Vanilla Ice), father of two girls named:

• Keelee Breeze Van Winkle
• Dusti Rain Van Winkle

The first one sounds like a wine cooler and the last one sounds like a porn star.

3.) Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, parents of three girls named:

• Rumer
• Scout Larue (La Rue means "street" in French)
• Tallulah Belle

It's extra pretentious since they are named for a) an author they probably never read, b) the nickname of a character from To Kill a Mockingbird, and c) an old-timey actress they probably couldn't pick out of a line-up.

4.) Bob Geldof (singer/songwriter and Live Aid producer), father of three daughters and one step-daughter named:

• Fifi Trixibelle
• Peaches Honeyblossom
• Pixie Frou-Frou
• Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily

I have no words.

5.) Toni Braxton (R&B singer), mother to two boys named:

• Denim
• Diezel

Or maybe that was Corduroy and Propane.

6.) George Foreman (boxer and grill-shiller), father to five sons and five daughters named:

Boys

• George Edward (1)
• George Edward (2)
• George Edward (3)
• George Edward (4)
• George Edward (5)

Girls

• Georgetta
• Freeda George
• Michi
• Natalie
• Leola

I guess Natalie knows she's the only one they really loved.

7.) David (soccer star) and Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham, parents to three sons named:

• Brooklyn
• Romeo
• Cruz

Everybody knows Brooklyn is a girl's name; Romeo has a lot to live up to--why didn't they just name him Pimp or Lothario; and Cruz means "cross"--that's nice and martyr-y. That's a hat trick, folks.

8.) Frank Zappa (pioneering singer/songwriter and granddaddy of bad celebrity baby names), father of children named:

• Moon Unit (girl)
• Dweezil (born Ian Donald Calvin Euclid because the hospital refused to put Dweezil on the birth certificate--Dweezil was Frank's pet name for his wife's little toe) (boy)
• Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boy)
• Diva Muffin (girl)

When the best name out of four is Diva Muffin, you know you have issues. He should have saved all the weird names for his albums, which couldn't be taunted on a playground.

And an honorable mention goes to the Phoenix family, who didn't qualify for the list because they weren't famous when the crazy names were being handed out.

Father: Born John Lee Bottom, changed his name to Bottom Phoenix
Mother: Born Arlyn Sharon Dunetz, changed her name to Heart Phoenix

Sons:

• River
• Joaquin Rafael (changed his own name to Leaf, then changed it back later)

Daughters

• Rain (or "Rainbow Joan of Arc")
• Liberty Butterfly (or "Libertad Mariposa")
• Summer Joy

Yeah, I don't have to tell you they were members of a hippy cult, do I?